you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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