i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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