I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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