with your own penis?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
