I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
