2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
