I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
