I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
