All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
