tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
