It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
