omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
