even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
