i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
