Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
