i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
My hand turned me down
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
