He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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