I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
