how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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