I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
