I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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