if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
