yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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