ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
