just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
