so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
