I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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