No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
