i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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