i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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