I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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