now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
