i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
