You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
