We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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