Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
