I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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