I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
