I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
