Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
