she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
