I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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