I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
