you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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