Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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