Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
