my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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