The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think people are normalizing furries
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
