maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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