I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
