in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
