Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
