This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
